Darling Wife, 

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 
365 times.  I have succeeded only 36 times, which is an 
average of only once every ten days.  Listed below are the 
reasons that I didn't succeed more often:


We will wake the kids.......... 		14 Times 
It's too late.......... 			15 Times 
I'm tired.......... 				42 Times 
It's too early.......... 			12 Times 
It's too hot.......... 				18 Times 
Pretending to be asleep.......... 		49 Times 
The neighbors will hear..........		9 Times 
Headache or Backache.......... 			28 Times 
Sunburn.......... 				10 Times 
Your Mother will hear us.......... 		9 Times 
Not in the mood.......... 			21 Times 
Watching the late show.......... 		17 Times 
Too sore.......... 				26 Times 
New hairdo.......... 				5 Times 
Wrong time of the month.......... 		14 Times
You had to go to the bathroom.......... 	19 Times
 
The 36 times I did succeed, the result was not always 
satisfying because: 

     6 times you just laid there, 
     8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the 
       ceiling, 
     4 times you told me to hurry and finish, 
       and once I was afraid I had hurt you because you 
       started thrashing around and breathing heavy. 



Dear Husband, 

I think you are a little confused.  Here are the real reasons 
you didn't get more than you did:

Came home drunk & tried to screw the cat........ 14 Times
Did not come home at all..........		 36 Times 
Did not come.......... 				 21 Times
Came too soon.......... 			 33 Times
Went soft before you got it in..........	 19 Times 
Cramps in your legs..........			 16 Times 
Working too late.......... 			 38 Times
You had a rash, probably from the toilet seat..  29 Times
Caught it in your zipper..........		 15 Times 
Had a cold, your nose kept running.......... 	 21 Times
Your coffee was too hot and you burned your 
tongue.......... 	                          9 Times
You had a splinter in your finger.......... 	 11 Times
Lost the notion after thinking about it too 
long.......... 	                                 42 Times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty 
book.......... 	                                 16 Times

The reason I laid still was because you missed me and were 
screwing the sheets.  You seemed to be having such a good 
time I didn't want to move and ruin it for you.  I wasn't 
talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was 
"Would you like me on my back, or kneeling?".  The time I 
was thrashing around and breathing heavy was because you 
farted and I was fighting for air.