The new priest was so nervous at his First Mass he could hardly speak. 
Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the monseigneur how
he could relax.  The monseigneur said, "Next Sunday, take some vodka and
put it into a pitcher and take a few sips.  It will help things go
smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into use and was able
to talk up a storm.  He felt great!  However, upon returning to the
rectory, he found a note from the monseignour which said:

1.	Next time sip rather than gulp.

2.	There are 10 commandments, not 17.

3.	There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.	We don't refer to the Cross as the big "T".

5.	The recommended grace before meals isn't "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for
the grub, yeah God."

6.	Don't refer to our Savoir Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and
the boys."

7.	David slew Goliath, he didn't beat the shit out of him.

8.	The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy,
Junior and the Spook."

9.	It is always the "Virgin Mary", never "Mary with the cherry."

10.	Last but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling
contest conducted at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St.
Taffy's.